The Beginning of Me

From what little I know of my dad and his life, my interpretation of the events leading up to my mom and dads divorce make me believe that being a husband and becoming a dad brought up serious issues caused by the abuse he suffered as a kid, and it was just too much for him to handle.

They were married with one kid, my older brother Jake, and at the time of their divorce he was about 9 months old. My mom said there came a point when my dad wouldn't get out of bed, and it was a fight to get him to go to work. When bill collectors came knocking on her door, my mom realized that when he said he was "going to work", he wasn't really going to work (who knows where he went or what he was doing). It's hard to keep a marriage together when one party doesn't want to participate and contribute, so they decided on divorce and from there my dad decided he was going to join the Army.

My dads mom came down from Idaho to see him off, and they stayed at my moms place the night before his departure. My grandma stayed in the master bedroom as it had the only bed and my mom and dad stayed in the living room. One thing lead to another and I was "lovingly" created on the floor. My mom said she instantly knew she was pregnant. My dad left the next morning for the Army and didn't show back up until I was about 2 weeks old.

A lot of people have stories about being the product of an oops; some from parents who didn't plan to get pregnant and one just slipped by, all the way to an accidental teenage pregnancy. I was a big oops, an unwanted pregnancy and became an unwanted child. So many times I wished I had never been born, and many times wished I would just die. 

The story of my conception is very amusing to me now. I think of that moment and how easily I could've never been. I have more love and happiness than I ever thought possible and all the pain and abuse I've suffered in my life has all been worth it to make it here now.

It's funny when you put that into perspective. Even though I began as a mistake, when all is said and done, I'm thankful I had the chance to be.

To Drink, Or Not to Drink, That is the Question

Steve is truly my best friend! He's hilarious and we always have a blast together. I never get sick of hanging out with him, and we usually spend tons of time together. The last 7 months have been really busy for both of us, so we haven't had as much time for each other as we normally do. The last time we had a two week break from work/kids/reality was in 2010 when we went to Europe for a few weeks, so two weeks alone for our honeymoon was greatly deserved on so many levels!

New Years Day Steve and I set a goal to not drink for 1 year. If you know us, you know what a huge deal that is, especially since our wedding was coming up. It didn't seem right to not drink at our wedding, but we made it through alive. We both have different reasons for taking a break from drinking, mine being that the last time I was completely sober for one year was when I was 11. Sad, but true.

As our honeymoon approached, the topic of drinking came up. I went for a run one day to really think about my desire to drink or to stay on track with my goal. By the time we left on our honeymoon we would be past the four month mark, the longest I had gone without drinking since 2005. My reason for taking a break was strengthened by the fact that I had made it so far, and I decided to stay on track with my goal.

About 1 week before we left, Steve said that all he wanted to do was drink a beer on the beach. Boy did drinking a beer on the beach sound wonderful LOL! That comment changed everything for me. I mean come on, it's our honeymoon! A once in a lifetime trip!! We'll never have another honeymoon, but I'll have countless opportunities to reset and achieve my goal. So, in the end, I decided that I was going to drink on our honeymoon.

I had gone four months without drinking no problem. It's funny how bad I wanted a drink after making that decision! I did resist though, and by the time we had a glass of wine with dinner the night before we left, we had officially made it 127 days. I think that sort of accomplishment deserves a celebratory drink Lol!

Comparison is the Thief of Happiness

As I sit on the beach, noticing pretty girls in the distance, my insides are twisted and my heart is pounding. I wanted nothing more than to feel good in a bikini on my honeymoon, but all I can focus on is everything that's wrong with my body and how much better they look than I do.

Every time my husband looks in the direction of a pretty girl, I'm consumed with jealousy. I hate feeling like they're better than me, more desirable and sexy than I am.

I think we all tend to let our imaginations run away when we're having feelings of inadequacy. He's probably watching the sailboats, and people paddle boarding, surfing, swimming; I'm sure occasionally catching a glimpse of the guy wearing a banana hammock g-string swimsuit, who looks amazingly ridiculous. It's unfair for me to think he's lusting after other woman just because he's looking in their direction. I know my skewed perception of the situation comes from my negative self-image and feelings of inadequacy.

So, back to wanting nothing more than to feel good in a bikini on my honeymoon. My therapist suggested I focus on the water, trees, scenery, boats.... anything but the source of my anguish.

My attempts of self distraction have led me to looking at pictures I took yesterday on the big island. There was a huge grouping of these stacked rocks on a black sand beach; it was so peaceful being there and I so wanted to just sit and meditate.

As I look at this picture now, I feel a sense of calm and peace. I again want to sit here and meditate, but I know I wouldn't be able to stop worrying that people were staring at my stomach rolls.

So, instead of meditating, I will focus on my peaceful rock picture. I will be kind to myself and appreciate all that is beautiful about me. I will remind myself that my husband thinks I'm amazingly beautiful. My body may not be perfect, but my life is filled with yummy food and tasty drinks, all things I'd have to sacrifice to have that perfect ass.

I think most importantly, I need to realize that other girls may have a perfect body, but they're probably lacking a lot of really wonderful qualities that make me who I am. Although I struggle with believing it sometimes, deep down I know that I'm an amazing woman.

For Only When I Know Who I Am, Will I Know What Is Possible

Belonging

I recently read "The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brene Brown. One topic of the book is the difference between fitting in and belonging. Fitting in happens when you mold yourself into a person you think will be accepted. Belonging happens when you are truly your authentic self and people love and accept you for who you really are.

I've never felt like I belonged. I feel very disconnected from people and it takes a long time for me to really feel comfortable with someone. I feel out of place even when I'm with a group of friends. 

In the 3rd grade, I started stealing money from my mom.  She was a waitress at the Phoenix Greyhound Park, so she always had a bunch of cash in her purse. This is back when $20 actually went a long way, so she never noticed an occasional bill missing. I had a group of friends that picked on me a lot, buying things for them is what helped me "fit in" (they did still pick on me though). Giving things to people is an integral part of who I am as a person. It's what helps me feel accepted, but not necessarily connected or comfortable. 

I've always felt like people hate me. When I was first diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, I read "The Borderline Personality Disorder Survival Guide: Everything You Need to Know About Living with BPD". One of the symptoms of Borderline is "having suspicious, negative or paranoid thinking about the motives of other people". Reading that was huge for me! It made me realize that it's in my head, it's my perception that people hate me. Although I now have this insight, it hasn't fixed the problem. I know this to be a symptom, but my feelings of not being liked are very real and I still have a lot of trouble feeling comfortable and connected to people.

I read that book in 2012; it is now 2015. I didn't immediately start therapy after being diagnosed. But I realized that these problems aren't just going to go away. Real change is hard and I know it's going to take a lot of hard work to change.

So, after I had my "I'm a perfectionist that's never good enough" revelation, my therapist suggested I read "The Gifts of Imperfection". Brene Brown says: "Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance."

This book, that quote, has opened a door inside me. I see that I socially function as the little girl that no one loved. I'm so afraid of being judged and rejected that I avoid connection; I live in my happy little bubble with my husband and kids and I stay there as much as possible.

I'm not only disconnected from other people, I'm also disconnected from myself. It feels like such a daunting task to fix such deep-seated issues. I'm so thankful that I've found yoga and felt the power of possibilities it can bring. I know I've found the road that will lead me to healing, and that's a very peaceful feeling.

The Crying Buddha

Tonight at yoga, I completely lost it. I've had a few practices the last couple of weeks where I had anxiety the whole class, worried about being judged and not being good enough. It's so helpful that the instructor keeps coming back to directing us to let go of our judgements, to let go of anything that were holding onto. to just be there in that moment. That direction has kept me from losing it during class the last few times, but tonight's anxiety and emotions became overwhelming and I couldn't hold back the tears. 

In therapy a few months back, I had a very deep-seated revelation about myself; I am a perfectionist and I or anything I do is never good enough. 

Growing up, I had a mom and step-mom that both hated me but loved my brothers; a dad that had abandoned me; a mentally, physically and emotionally abusive step-dad; and I was the only girl with 3 brothers and 4 step-brothers, so I was always heavily picked on. I grew up thinking something was wrong with me, that I was defective. I guess I figured if I became perfect, they would love me. But it didn't change anything, they all hated me just the same.

I have some very unhealthy behaviors that are a direct result of this chronic rejection. I come up with projects and I think that if I can get things just right, my life will make sense and everything will run smoothly. I become obsessed with making them perfect. I'll work on it for days, sometimes a week or two, staying up all hours of the night to keep making revisions, to make it better. 

For example; I have bipolar disorder, so my life is a vicious up and down roller coaster that never stops running. When I hit a low, I'm there for quite awhile. At some point my shame and self-hatred become too much, so I set a bunch of goals to change my life for the better (eat better, work out, be a better friend, be a more engaged mom, be more successful at work......).

One time, I decided that I needed to create a quiet space where I could have time to myself and meditate and write and work on my issues. I decided to transform my closet into a Zen environment and ventured out to redesign my closet. I literally spent five days working on it, and I mean non-stop, fully consumed, nothing else matters work. It's mentally exhausting and emotionally charged, because I know it's not healthy but I can't stop. I finally finished the closet and it was perfect and peaceful. It helped me get out of my funk, because I knew that meditation was going to help me "get better". I meditated one time.

I have a lifetime history of not following through with things, always completely giving up. With me it's all or nothing and I create a constant up and down battle; I set goals, I briefly work towards those goals, I completely give up which then leads to depression because I'm a failure, and the cycle continues on and on.

This new awareness is painful. It's painful because I see how negatively my childhood issues have affected my life and who I am. It brings up those old feelings and memories. I notice now that I live my life so afraid of being judged that I'm not living my life as the real me.

It's also the first step towards getting better, and that's a wonderful thing.