The Crying Buddha

Tonight at yoga, I completely lost it. I've had a few practices the last couple of weeks where I had anxiety the whole class, worried about being judged and not being good enough. It's so helpful that the instructor keeps coming back to directing us to let go of our judgements, to let go of anything that were holding onto. to just be there in that moment. That direction has kept me from losing it during class the last few times, but tonight's anxiety and emotions became overwhelming and I couldn't hold back the tears. 

In therapy a few months back, I had a very deep-seated revelation about myself; I am a perfectionist and I or anything I do is never good enough. 

Growing up, I had a mom and step-mom that both hated me but loved my brothers; a dad that had abandoned me; a mentally, physically and emotionally abusive step-dad; and I was the only girl with 3 brothers and 4 step-brothers, so I was always heavily picked on. I grew up thinking something was wrong with me, that I was defective. I guess I figured if I became perfect, they would love me. But it didn't change anything, they all hated me just the same.

I have some very unhealthy behaviors that are a direct result of this chronic rejection. I come up with projects and I think that if I can get things just right, my life will make sense and everything will run smoothly. I become obsessed with making them perfect. I'll work on it for days, sometimes a week or two, staying up all hours of the night to keep making revisions, to make it better. 

For example; I have bipolar disorder, so my life is a vicious up and down roller coaster that never stops running. When I hit a low, I'm there for quite awhile. At some point my shame and self-hatred become too much, so I set a bunch of goals to change my life for the better (eat better, work out, be a better friend, be a more engaged mom, be more successful at work......).

One time, I decided that I needed to create a quiet space where I could have time to myself and meditate and write and work on my issues. I decided to transform my closet into a Zen environment and ventured out to redesign my closet. I literally spent five days working on it, and I mean non-stop, fully consumed, nothing else matters work. It's mentally exhausting and emotionally charged, because I know it's not healthy but I can't stop. I finally finished the closet and it was perfect and peaceful. It helped me get out of my funk, because I knew that meditation was going to help me "get better". I meditated one time.

I have a lifetime history of not following through with things, always completely giving up. With me it's all or nothing and I create a constant up and down battle; I set goals, I briefly work towards those goals, I completely give up which then leads to depression because I'm a failure, and the cycle continues on and on.

This new awareness is painful. It's painful because I see how negatively my childhood issues have affected my life and who I am. It brings up those old feelings and memories. I notice now that I live my life so afraid of being judged that I'm not living my life as the real me.

It's also the first step towards getting better, and that's a wonderful thing.